Power Struggles and Choices

Times have changed since the “Children should be seen and not heard” days. Now, parents must find ways to empower their children without sacrificing their own authority. Any parent knows that this is not an easy thing to do. Power struggles happen when the parent wants to be in total control and the child wants to be in control, too. Unfortunately, this can start around the age of 18 months and doesn’t end until, well . . . the child leaves the nest!

The most common issues that result in power struggles with young children include, taking baths and going to bed. For older children we can add doing homework and chores. For teens and adolescents, curfew is a big issue. However, if this is your only issue with a teen, consider yourself lucky.

Having raised three children, I remember bedtime struggles when they were toddlers. Little did I know they were just warming up for that adorable adolescent stage when not only did they resist going to bed at a decent time, but they insisted on staying up until two in the morning on the cell phone or texting friends.

One way to avoid power struggles is to give your child positive choices. Offering choices can give your child a little power or control over a few things in his or her life. This doesn’t mean you let your child “run the show” or make all the decisions. It means you allow your child to make a choice between two behaviors and then follow through with that choice. It can sound like this, “You can either turn the cell phone off right now, or lose it for a week. Your choice.”

The choice for a young child could be, “You can pick up your books or your trucks first, which one can you do faster?” A choice for a school-age child sounds like this, “You can either wash the dishes or dry them. Which one do you want to do?”

Be sure to adjust the number and types of choices to fit the age of your child. Choices allow children to feel more in control or his or her world and can help eliminate many (but not all) negative power struggles.

Parental Depression

The challenges of family life can be trying and a bit overwhelming at times. Usually a good night’s sleep and a bright morning will restore your spirits. But if you go from occasionally feeling “down,” to persistent feelings of irritability, guilt and sadness, you may be suffering from depression.

Child Trends Databank tells us that both dads and moms may experience depression, but women are more likely to experience this than men. While depression strikes those in all income levels, lower socioeconomic classes suffer from depression more frequently; eighteen percent of parents in households receiving welfare showed signs of depression, as compared to 4 percent of parents not on welfare.

Education also makes a difference. Parents who have not graduated from high school are much more likely to exhibit symptoms of depression than parents with higher levels of education (9 percent versus less than 5 percent).

It’s important to deal with depression as it can tear at the very fiber of family life. The young children of depressed fathers are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems. Depression can also cloud thinking and judgment. Depressed mothers tend to not take normal safety precautions that they ordinarily would not miss, such as insisting that the child sit in a car safety seat.

The good news is that depression can be treated successfully. If you are a depressed parent, talk to a doctor about your feelings of depression and discuss treatment methods, for you and for your family’s sake.

Sources
Parental Signs of Depression, Child Trends database
Ahluwalia, S.K., McGroder, S.M., Zaslow, M., and Hair, E.C. (2001). Symptoms of depression among welfare recipients: A concern for two generations. Child Trends Research Brief, December 2001. Child Trends: Washington, D.C. Available at: http://www.childtrends.org/Files/Research__Brief_Depression.pdf.

Responding to Children's Fears

As new parents, most moms and dads dream about their beautiful, healthy babies growing to become happy, well-adjusted human beings. What they don't expect are the challenges that some children may encounter, including something as common as fear. If you have ever had to deal with a fearful child, you know this can be difficult to deal with.

What factors contribute to children’s early fears? According to the North Dakota State University Extension faculty, two key factors are the child’s maturity level and emotional susceptibility. As a child grows, different fears may be noticed at different times. For example, fear of strangers declines as a fear of monsters rises. A two-year-old may fear the dark, a bath, loud noises, animals or separation. Four-year-olds may add the fear of death, while a school-aged child’s number one fear is that of losing a parent.

Researchers also distinguish between “fluid” and “fixed” fears. A fluid fear is one that comes and goes. Fluid fears are usually considered normal. It may be a fear that changes from week to week or persists for a limited period and begins to fade away. A fixed fear is one that lingers or intensifies. Fixed fears may require a lot of patience to work through.

Parents can help children understand fear by validating the child’s feelings and openly discussing their fears. Set the tone with honesty and allow the child to express his or her feelings. Help children to realize that some fears are real and sensible such as fear of heights or dark streets. Others just appear real. Help them understand the difference between real and fantasy with patience, gentleness and open communication.

Author and researcher Laura Berk (Development through the Lifespan, 3rd Edition, 2004 Boston: Allyn & Bacon) suggests that to help a child manage fear parents should reduce the child’s exposure to frightening stories in books and television until the child is best able to distinguish appearance from reality.

Family Meal Time

In a recent book entitled The Surprising Power of Family Meals, author Miriam Weinstein asks this question: “What if I told you that there was a magic bullet - something that would improve the quality of your daily life, your children’s chances of success in the world, (and) your family’s health . . . something that is inexpensive, simple to produce, and within the reach of pretty much everyone?”

That magic bullet is the family meal. According to research, eating together as a family on a regular basis has some surprising effects. When sharing a meal together, family bonds become stronger, children are better adjusted, family members eat more nutritional meals, they are less likely to be overweight, and they are less likely to abuse alcohol or other drugs.

One benefit of eating meals together is the affect on strengthening family bonds. Family meals provides a daily time for the whole family to be together. For younger children, having routine family meals can provide a sense of security and a feeling of belonging in the family.

Older children and teenagers, too, prefer eating together as a family. In a recent Columbia University study, 84% of teenagers said they preferred to have dinner with their families. Research also shows that youth who have regular family meals report getting better grades in school, are more motivated at school, and get along better with others.

Your family is probably like all others – you’re busy! So how can you make time for family meals? Take a pledge to eat five meals a week, breakfast, lunch or dinner, as a family for five weeks. After five weeks it will become a family tradition. Let me know if your family takes the pledge and how you made time for the family meal.

Debates Over Spanking

Many parents spank their children as a way to teach right and wrong and wonder whether this is best for their children. Likewise, among child development researchers there has been a lot of debate about whether physical punishment is the best way to discipline a child.

Spanking does produce immediate results - it generally stops the child’s misbehavior – at least in the short term. Spanking may not always be harmful unless it is excessive. Some professionals even suggest some guidelines for calm, controlled ways of spanking that may effectively stop misbehavior (Baumrind, 1996).

Other studies show that spanking may work in the short run, but over time, the parent may have to spank harder and longer to get the child to stop misbehaving, and the child may actually misbehave more (Grogan-Kaylor, 2004).

In addition, children who are spanked may not learn how to control themselves based on choices about right and wrong. And sadly, when parents spank out of anger, physical punishment may escalate and injure the child (Gershoff, 2002).

Parents can choose from many ways of disciplining and guiding their child, such as time-outs, or taking away privileges. Parents can also use reasoning; they can explain to the child what they did wrong and what they could do differently. They can set a good example by showing the child how to behave appropriately. Most of all, parents can create a positive climate in the home by praising and encouraging good behavior and giving a child attention and love. If you are having difficulty with your child’s behavior, seek professional help for finding the best way to guide your growing child.

Nurturing Mothers

Did you grow up in a warm and nurturing home? Did your parents listen, show they cared, and talk things over with you, teach you new things, and respect you? Recent research shows that positive parenting behaviors can be passed down from one generation to the next.

According to an international team of researchers reporting in the Journal of Child Development, mothers who were raised in positive, nurturing homes during childhood and adolescence are more likely to raise their own children in warm, sensitive, and stimulating ways.

Those who were raised in a low-authoritarian household as preschoolers, and in low-conflict homes during middle childhood, and who had trusting and close relationships with their parents during the teen years, were more likely to engage in such positive parenting with their own young children.

This study was based on interviews and observations of more than 200 New Zealanders followed over 20 years, beginning during childhood - and as participants in the study became parents themselves.

The way we were parented shapes our parenting style. Parent education for all new parents, where they learn to create a positive environment for their children, can start a chain reaction that lasts across many generations.

Looking for a parenting class? Check out my six-hour class at: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/Calendarpubs/ParentingBrochure.pdf

Child Care Safety

Parents who both work outside the home and working single parents have a difficult decision – how to care for their young children while they are at work. I know I agonized over day care decisions for my children when they were young. Parents often worry about their child’s safety as they evaluate various childcare options.

New research offers a comparison of the risks of injury and death in different childcare settings. According to a study published in the American Sociological Review, childcare centers might be safer than private homes. Researchers caution that overall, childcare is “quite safe,” and over all is even safer than care within children’s own families (Wrigley & Dreby, 2005).

Researchers from the City University of New York found that between 1989 and 2003, fatalities were seven times more likely to occur in family day care than in center care. Most deaths in private homes involved babies who died from being shaken “by a caregiver stressed by constant crying.” The workplace itself may be a crucial difference – family day care providers have less support from other adults who can step in to help or monitor their work, may have less training, and are more isolated than center providers. These findings provide more support for the importance of the providers’ training, licensing and support to ensure that children are safe.

Certainly, parents need to take a number of factors into account when making their decision about child care, such as the location of care, cost and group size. No one type of care is uniformly ‘better’ than another for all families. High quality family day care can provide a warm and responsive environment, especially for infants.