Why Fragile Families Don’t Marry

“He can’t support us. Why should I marry him?”

This mom is not alone in her resistance to matrimony. In fact, increasing evidence has many of the opponents of the Healthy Marriage Initiative on the offensive. While the reauthorization of the welfare reform bill will allocate substantial funds to states for the development of programs for improving relations between unmarried parents, those who challenge the bill argue that marriage is not the answer.

Critics of the marriage promotion programs point to barriers to marriage among what are called “fragile families,” unmarried parents who are raising a child or children together, who share a precarious economic status. The most commonly discussed barriers to marriage among this population are lack of stable employment, mental health problems, and domestic violence.

 Researchers from Princeton’s Center for Research on Child Wellbeing and Columbia University point out that nearly one-fifth of the unmarried parents among this group are not romantically involved and are thus not likely to get involved in a marriage program. Thirteen percent of these parents have a history of violence, indicating that marriage may not be a safe choice for the women and children in the family. Collectively, one-third of these unmarried couples are not good candidates for marriage promotion programs

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On the other side of the debate, the same research suggests that an equal one-third of couples may benefit from marriage programs. This would occur only if they incorporate programs that address parents’ employment and mental health heeds. Now it’s in the hands of the policy makers to develop and fund appropriate programming for America’s fragile families

Source: Suzanna Smith for Family Album Radio, Family Youth and Community Sciences Department, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida

Breaking Out of Unhealthy Marital Interactions

For couples today, there’s an abundance of information on how to sustain healthy and happy marital relationships. From how-to books to expert advice given in magazines, on television, radio and the Internet, couples are bombarded with strategies, tips, and techniques focused on how to improve their relationships. What many couples fail to realize is that these positive practices won’t work without addressing negative patterns and destructive behaviors in their relationship.

According to marriage and relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, there are four negative patterns of interaction that are major destroyers of marital relationships. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Couples should avoid criticism or using hurtful or judgmental comments aimed at their partner’s character or personality. More complex is contempt, or an attempt to psychologically abuse a partner through disrespectful statements and actions. Contempt can be both verbal and non-verbal, such as sarcasm, mockery, or simply rolling your eyes in disgust.

Contempt can often lead to defensiveness. Individuals often have a natural defensive reaction to criticism and contempt. However, couples can be defensive even when criticism is constructive and may be a response to previous, current, or future attacks. Finally, partners may stonewall, or put a physical or psychological wall around themselves, to avoid conflict.

Unfortunately continual avoidance can lead to even greater conflict between couples. It’s important to identify and break these negative cycles of behavior before they destroy your marriage.

Source: Family Album Radio

Forgiveness in marrige: Is it always a good thing?

When a couple gets married, more than one friend or family member passes on the time-honored advice to “never go to bed angry.” Indeed, relationship experts have long emphasized the importance of forgiveness in marriage, a teaching that can seem hard to argue with.

But how does forgiving one’s spouse for minor transgressions, like nagging, arguing, or moodiness, affect the likelihood that he or she will do it again?

Researchers writing in the Journal of Family Psychology recently asked 135 newly married couples to keep a diary for a week. Each day, participants recorded whether their spouse did anything negative and whether they forgave him or her. Results revealed that spouses who forgave their partners were twice as likely to report poor spousal behavior again the next day. In fact, when partners reported both forgiven transgressions and un-forgiven transgressions, their spouses were six times more likely to transgress the next day if they had been forgiven.

Although the study did not explore whether the forgiving spouse had actually told their partner they had forgiven them, these results indicate that forgiveness alone may not be enough. In fact, forgiveness may actually encourage further transgressions among partners who often behave poorly. These negative behaviors may be a symptom of other relationship difficulties that require more direct intervention. While “never going to bed angry” continues to be wise advice, partners should recognize that truly resolving their conflicts may require more than just forgiveness.

Being with the In-laws at Holiday Time

Did somebody forget to tell you that when you married the person - you married the family? You don’t have to have seen the movie series “Meet the Parents” to know what challenges may lie ahead. The holiday season usually involves extended and in-law family members getting together and this can sometimes cause conflict.

Unfortunately for some, we can’t control the way our in-laws behave towards us, but we can control the way we react. Some family therapists offer the following tips. First, identify the issue. Are your in-laws unreasonable or are you being impatient?

Second, regulate your reactions. Take a deep breath when necessary and control your temper in heated situations.

Third, look for compromising solutions. Don’t be a victim, but be willing to sacrifice for the sake of maintaining peace. You don’t always have to be right and you don’t always have to have the last word.

Finally, act rather than react. Prepare yourself for possible conflict and decide ahead of time how you will react or respond. Remember to be control of your actions and words – even if the in-laws are not!

Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman says that when dealing with conflict with the in-laws, it’s important to put your spouse first and not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents. This simple act set a precedent that your marriage cannot be divided. Discuss issues with your spouse prior to visits with the in-laws to ensure that you will always be on the same page. Beware making critical comments, however, after all, these people you may be complaining about are deeply connected to the person you love.

If you and your spouse actively listen to each other and tend to your relationship (in preparation of dealing with conflict as a team,) you will be more likely to become stronger than to be broken down.