My child is a bully. What can I do?

Use positive discipline. If you hit your child, be prepared for your child to hit others. If you have used physical punishment in the past, stop. Tell your child the new rule in the home for all family members is, “no hitting.” Teach your child that hitting, pushing, and teasing others is never okay.

Take a parenting class to learn how to discipline without hitting or spanking. Parenting classes in Hillsborough County can be found at: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/ParentingClasses.html

If your child steal or damages another child’s clothes or toys, have him or her restore them or replace them. Require your child to do additional chores to pay for replacing the victim’s property or take away his or her allowance for several weeks to pay the cost.

Help your child develop empathy and caring. It’s important they learn how their behavior affects others. Bullies begin to think about their behavior and the outcomes of their behavior when adults discuss situations and ask questions. “What could you do when you want to feel powerful instead of hitting and shoving someone?” or “You are a good kid, but it’s wrong to hit others. Can you think why you might do this?” are good questions.

Tell him or her that you won’t allow the bullying to continue. Tell your child:

·         Stay away from the child or children you have harassed or bullied.

·         You can’t be with other children who are bullying with you.

·         Go directly to school and come directly home. If possible, make arrangement for an adult to go to and from school with your child.

·         I (or another adult) will supervise you. If other children play in our home, you must play where I can see you.

·         If you visit another child, I will call the child’s parent to see if he or she is at home. You will be closely supervised.

Helping Children Learn About Expectations

There are important jobs a parent must do to help a children learn what is expected and set limits to guide their behavior. This is especially important as children spend more time out of the home with their friends and youth groups. These things are a part of the job:

Parental monitoring – knowing where your child is and who he or she is spending time with. Set a reasonable curfew time or check-in time.

Be there for your child - physically and emotionally. Parents who are distant, uninvolved and inconsistent confuse the child and make him or her feel like they are wandering without a connection. Children need a family connection to endure the tough times.

Expectations and family rules should be clear. Explain the rules and consequences well. Ask yourself what limits are important and then talk to children during calm times to be sure they are clear to your children.

Remember to include plenty of talks about substance abuse, too. Set rules and expectations for “absolutely no” alcohol and drug use.

Children need to have a close bond or attachment with at least one person. Emotional support from a trusted adult should always be available. When children have a sense of connectedness, they are more likely to make wise decisions about their behavior.

Negative Discipline is Harmful

Negative discipline uses shame or hurt to tell a child he has done something wrong. With negative discipline, control comes from the parent, not from within the child.

Here are some examples: Sarcastic or belittling looks and remarks, sometimes in the form of teasing, unrealistic expectations about your child’s behavior, such as expecting him to sit still for a long time, name calling, threats of abandonment, depriving a child of basic needs such as food, water, or sleep, shaking a baby or toddler when you are frustrated or angry, long time-outs away from other people, slapping fingers or spanking parts of the body with the palm of your hand, a belt, or another object, and believing and acting as though your child is “out to get you”.

Negative discipline may temporarily stop a child’s misbehavior, but it seldom helps a child learn why her behavior was wrong. It does not show her how she can help herself behave in a better way. A child may instead learn from her parent’s behavior to be secretive, belittle other people or call them names, or threaten.

She may try to see what she can get away with. She will learn that screaming and hitting are ways to get what she wants. Negative looks and remarks, sometimes passed off as teasing or joking, are likely to damage a child’s view of herself. Young children are usually not able to understand this kind of adult humor.

Negative discipline may damage a child’s trust in her parents. It also may leave the child with feelings of powerlessness, fear, hurt, anger, or hopelessness. The result may be resentment and bitter memories that will last a long time.

Negative discipline can cause physical injuries such as bruises, pulled muscles, and broken bones. Never shake a baby! Severely shaking babies may result in neck whiplash, back and other bone injuries, paralysis, permanent brain damage, and sometimes death.

Recent research tells us that high stress brought about by frequent negative discipline can harm the brain development of babies and toddlers. This harm can cause learning and behavior problems for the child. Remember, keep discipline positive.

7 Principles of Discipline

1. Tell children what they can do instead of what they can’t do, or focus on the do’s instead of the don’ts.

2. Protect and preserve children’s feelings that they are lovable and capable and that you love them – no matter what!

3. Offer children choices only when you are willing to abide by their decisions. This means stop saying, “OK?” and instead say, “Do you understand?”

4. Change the child’s environment instead of the child’s behavior.

5. Work with children instead of against them. What do they want? What do they need? What are they trying to do or learn?

6. Give children safe limits they can understand.

7. Set a good example. Speak and act only in the ways you want your children to speak and act.

Letting natural consequences teach a lesson

A natural consequence is something that may happen naturally if your child does or does not do something. If parents allow them to work, natural consequences can be the best teachers for our children. Meaning – parents must be willing to not interfere with the consequence their child has “earned” as a result of his or her behavior. Of course, if a natural consequence puts your child in an un-safe position or can result in a life-long consequence, you must intervene.

However, many children are “rescued” by parents instead of being given the opportunity to safely experience the consequences of their actions. And for this, many children simply do not learn to be responsible. For example, a household rule may be the put dirty clothes in the hamper every day. That’s a bare-minimum request, right?

A natural consequence to a child not putting their dirty clothes in the hamper means that clothes don’t get washed. Period! However, if a (loudly complaining) adult always goes into the child’s room to pick clothes up off the floor on laundry day, the child isn’t learning to be responsible for his or her clothing.

Parents have a choice; continue to ignore the child’s refusal to follow the rule and pick the clothes up - which is only teaching the child that someone will take up the slack for his or her irresponsibility - or leave the clothing where it is and let the child suffer the consequence of having no clean clothes.

After a couple of weeks of this, I’m betting most children will “get with the program” and follow the rule. I’d be willing to push for his or her independence a little more by TEACHING the child how to sort clothes and run the washer and dryer himself. End result is a responsible, independent child and a happier, quieter household.

Likewise, a natural consequence for forgetting to study for a test may is that the child may do poorly on the test. Parents, you are not doing your children any favors by letting them stay home “sick” on test day because they were irresponsible. In fact, you may be encouraging the irresponsibility!

The world is full of natural consequences. See how many lessons your child can learn this week by allowing natural consequences to do the job.

Setting Limits and Standing Firm

A toddler needs to learn quite early that he or she should not go beyond the fence or touch the hot stove. A teenager needs to have a reasonable, yet caring and protective curfew. Setting clear limits for children and teens can not only keep them save, but can help to give them boundaries for acceptable behavior.

Limits are at the foundation of parenting responsibility. They protect youth from physical and psychological harm, protect property, and promote respect for others. Limits also give children a sense of security. And usually, they like knowing an adult is in control.

It’s wise to keep the number of limits or rule to the ones that really count. It is important to set limits, but also allow children the opportunity to choose. Giving them a choice when you can, helps them develop independence, confidence and a sense of accountability for their actions.

Expecting too much can lower a child’s self-esteem and cause stress in your child. Parents should use limits consistently so children aren’t likely to get confused. Of course, as children grow older, their limits should change to reflect their developmental stage. In fact, as children grow, they often have wonderful ideas and opinions about limits. Parents can move from being caregivers to nurturers, to encouragers, then counselors. By involving them in discussions, parents are more likely to gain their children’s cooperation in following rules.

Children will try to test their limits to see how parents respond. It’s a crucial part of their development. In testing the limits, children are testing their parent’s love as well as their commitment to their word and rules. All children need the security of limitations to their behavior, while at the same time needing to grow and explore their world.