Holiday Gifts when Parents are Divorced

How can mothers and fathers who parent apart approach holiday giving?


The University of Minnesota Extension suggests that, when possible, both parents should communicate with each other about their child's wants and needs. Wants are those things she says she can't live without, but you know aren't necessary, such as a new video game. Needs on the other hand, are things that are necessary to have - a new jacket, underwear, clothes that fit and a host of other items that chip away at the family budget.

Once the wants and needs are determined, the parents can decide who will purchase which items from both lists. Balancing wants and needs is also much easier on each parent's budget - and children will benefit from having some of the items they have on their wish list and others they will use every day. Sometimes a child's needs are different at each household. In this case, the child may want to make a list for each parent of what they wish for and the parents may decide individually what to give.

Parents who parent apart can and do encounter pitfalls. Trying to be the parent who spends the most money on your children's gifts can turn giving into a contest where each parent tries to out-do the other with lavish and not very useful gifts. This is no gift for your child - giving your child too much, too soon, that doesn't meet their real needs, is a set up for overindulgence. You won’t win this war!

Criticizing the other parent's gift challenges your child's sense of loyalty to the other parent. When a child can't enjoy a gift because of your hostility, you are undermining your child's relationship with both of you. Be supportive, even if you don't share their excitement.

Sometimes gifts are specific to a particular household, and should stay there. However this isn't always the case. Remember, the gift is your child’s and they should be able to enjoy it at both homes. This is particularly true when the gift helps comfort your child.

It’s not always easy communicating with your child’s other parent, but it’s certainly worth the effort!

Holiday gifts for kids don't require big spending

Purdue University Extension offers parents alternatives to over-spending on their children this year with four ways to give inexpensive gifts


• purchase less expensive toys

• shop for used items

• make your own toys

• give certificates to do something.

When shopping for inexpensive or used toys, you still have to watch out for safety and quality. It's not a bargain if it breaks right away. Look for the classic toys - blocks, sturdy dolls or sturdy stuffed animals. The best toys don't do a lot by themselves. They stimulate a child's creativity and imagination. Make sure the toy was originally safe and still is. Such items, which can often be found in stores that sell used toys or used children's clothing, should not have chipped paint or broken edges.

Homemade toys have several benefits. The great thing about homemade toys is they are inexpensive and flexible. Sometimes you can make them with the child, and you can often remake them into another type of toy. An example of a homemade gift is a puzzle that can be made by taking a piece of paperboard, like the back of a cereal box, and cutting it into several pieces.

Another idea is to create a play prop box. You take a box and fill it with items that are all related to a kind of role playing. You could have a hair salon prop box with hair rollers, combs, brushes and a hair dryer that doesn't work. Or you could make a store prop box with empty food containers, play money, bags and baskets. Often they are things you could find around the house anyway, but gathering them in one place stimulates play.

Certificates for activities can be anything from a ticket to do the child's chores around the house for a day, a date with mom or dad, tickets to play games, or a music night. Kids can turn in a ticket at bedtime or use the ticket to say up all night - they have to give a day's notice to make sure parents don't have anything else they need to do instead.

You can still have a special time at the holidays during hard economic times. You can talk with kids about financial problems, but don't overwhelm them with the concern. Holidays are all about hope, and it can be a time for the whole family to look toward a better future.

Holidays: Family history or family hassle?

The Iowa State University Cooperative Extension offers a few tips on family holiday gatherings for grandparents:

Grandparents play a role in determining whether holidays make family history or family hassles.
Holidays can establish traditions, strengthen family ties, and set milestones in the passage of time. But holidays also contribute to family stress. Routines change, expectations soar, and long-term problems of loneliness, family conflicts or economic stress can seem worse.

Grandparents may find themselves squarely in the middle of family hassles at holiday time.

Keeping your holiday simple doesn't mean ignoring your family's traditions. Instead, you may discover and strengthen what is most important about your family history.

As a grandparent, you might feel the pull of wanting to preserve old routines and traditions (we've always met at our house on Christmas Eve), even while realizing that new patterns would be better for you and your family (gathering the week before at your daughter's would mean less meal preparation for you and less travel with toddlers for her).

Grandparents may have changes in their economic or health status, and may need a quieter holiday celebration. Changes may conflict with family expectations of visits with every child, extensive gift giving, or elaborate celebrations.

Letting go and making changes can be difficult. To manage the hassle and strengthen family ties, consider these ideas.

Talk about feelings. Many families don't really talk about their feelings; they only suppose they know what the other party must be thinking. Have a family discussion by phone, mail or in person to decide what's important in your holiday traditions. Talk about why some traditions are especially important to each of you.

Support your children's feelings and ask for their support to say "no." Maybe you really can't cope with 16 people for five days at your house and maybe your family can't face another cross-country trip with preschoolers.

Cooperate. Consider new ways to keep the traditions that mean the most to everyone. A newly married couple may love having a chance to entertain the family at a holiday dinner. Teenagers might organize a family gift exchange drawing.

Pass on a special tradition as a gift. One father made copies of all the stories, poems and songs that were part of his family's holiday history. Now each child uses them in a new home.

Create new ways to share old traditions. Consider visits at a new time. Your family could look forward to a January visit rather than one during the most stressful holiday period. A grandchild might enjoy your pre-holiday visit to attend a special performance.

Use family history in your gift giving. Write stories about your childhood or your children's growing up years. Give a small heirloom with a written history as a gift. Choose a few old photos and accompany them with a story about the events and people shown.

Give the gift of caring; it keeps on giving year round. To have a caring family holiday, consider the changing needs of family members. Keep the best of the old while you build new family history.

Dinner Table Conversation Starters

Holiday family gatherings are a great opportunity to take time to share, talk and eat together. Of course, the holidays aren't the only occasion to enjoy lively conversation, so keep the family meal time a tradition in your household. Make it a goal to eat together as a family at least four times a week. Here are ideas for conversation starters. Pick a topic, enjoy quality time together and take the time to learn from and appreciate each other.
Name one thing that you would like to do this weekend.
If your picture were in the paper today, what would the caption say?
If you could be any type of animal, what would it be and why?
What is your favorite family tradition?
What family tradition would you like for us to start?
Talk about two things that your friends’ families do differently from ours.
Name one thing you appreciate about the person sitting on your right.
What outside activity could we do together as a family today?
What is the most interesting news you heard this week?
If you could be president, what is the first thing you would do?
What would you like to do after you finish high school?
What was the nicest thing you did for someone this week?
Tell us about your favorite food without using the name.
If you could have a super-power, what would it be?
If our family could have any animal in the world as a pet, what would you like to have? Why?
If we had a time machine, when and where would you like to visit?
If you could participate in any event in the Olympics, which event would it be? Why?
Tell us about your favorite part of the day.
If you could invite someone to dinner who would it be? Why?
If we had no electricity, what would our day be like?
If we were to write a family goal for this week, what would it be? What could we accomplish?
How could we as a family help others in our community?
Tell us a funny joke or story.

Imperfect Holidays

I wish I would have started a tradition thirty years ago. I would call this tradition “Holiday Bloopers” or “Things That Went Wrong.” This tradition wouldn’t be to remind me of my failures and short-comings, but it would serve to give us all something to laugh at years later.


Some of the best times I share with my extended family include laughing at mishaps, funny situations or down-right embarrassing moments when things didn’t quite go as planned. Perhaps we have a twisted sense of humor, but I believe hearty laughter is essential to families.

I would take photographs of each blooper. One would be of the huge pile of delicious, buttery mashed potatoes splattered on the kitchen floor when my wrist gave out and they just kept sliding out of the bowl and plopping to the floor while I (and everyone else) watched.

Another photo would be the beautiful bottoms of a dozen crispy, blackened, burned rolls – and don’t pretend you haven’t done this. And when a gift gets the wrong recipient’s name on it, such as when Uncle Henry got the lacey, pink Victoria’s Secrets unmentionables.

I don’t know why, but I just think it would be funny to see photographs of these things.

With this tradition, we would delight in any “things gone wrong” moment instead of expecting everything to be perfect and getting disappointed when it’s not. In fact, we might even search out the “photograph of the season” to add to the pile. People aren’t perfect. Families aren’t perfect. Holidays don’t have to be perfect. They just have to bring us together.

I’m hoping my children and their families will gather (in the far, far future) to laugh about some of the stupid, clumsy or embarrassing things I have done.