Apart, Not Broken: Dads learn, connect & Create

Are you a divorced or separated father? Do you want to move:

past fear, pain, & guilt? 

Create the life you want with your child? 

Manage your relationship with your ex-partner?  Be the creator of your future?

Contribute to ground breaking research that will help other fathers?

The University of Wisconsin Madison This program is being evaluated through the University of Wisconsin, Madison as part of the doctoral program  of Shelly D. Mahon.  Please click on the link below to get more information or sign up.  Once you fill out the registration form you will be asked to: 

1.      Respond to the informed consent form and brief survey. Receipt of your consent form indicates that you read the consent form and are agreeing to participate in the program.

2.      Complete the short pre-program survey. You will be asked to complete this survey again at the end of the program.

Participating fathers who complete the program will receive a certificate of completion, a $25.00 Amazon gift card, and be entered to win an iPad! 

Learn: Listen to fathers' real experiences and insights. Have access to information and recommendations that can make a measurable difference in adjusting and parenting after separation or divorce. 

Connect: Join an online community of fathers. Learn to use creative strategies to connect with your child and manage your relationship with your ex-partner.

Create: Feel powerful in your ability to be the dad YOU want to be. Create the relationship YOU want with your child by building on your existing strengths, starting new traditions, and creating lasting memories.

This program is equipped with:

o    Videos reflecting the real life experiences of other divorced fathers;

o    A discussion forum for you to connect and share with other fathers;

o    Online tools for sharing photos, calendars, communicating & more; 

o    Current and concise information about divorce & parenting after divorce;

o    Engaging activities for you to enjoy with your child; and

o    Additional resources for you to build your own parenting toolkit.

This innovative, multi-media program is:

o    Free: No Charge!

o    Confidential: Private, online support education program

o    Efficient: Brief, 12-week series of ~30 minute sessions

o    Flexible: Spend as much time as you want on the aspects that fit your needs

o    Convenient: Available 24/7, worldwide, anywhere with an Internet connection

o    Ongoing: Starts when you register!

To register: https://uwmadison.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_3rNAh27uJm1oQq8

Does Divorce Make People Happier?

The marriage and divorce trends of the "modern" American family have been studied for decades. In an attempt to further understand the outcomes of divorce, a team of family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist, Linda Waite studied whether unhappily married adults who divorced were any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Early research on divorce concluded that, "A husband and wife would both consent to a divorce if, and only if, they both expected to be better off divorced". But were they? Using data from the National Survey of Family and Households, what the researchers found was that, on average, unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than their counterparts who remained married.

They reported that divorce "did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery". The authors of the study explained that while eliminating some stresses found in the unhappy marriage, divorce created a new set of stressors that could deeply affect emotional well-being, such as child custody and changes in financial stability.

While the authors couldn't conclude whether unhappy spouses who divorced would have become happy if they'd remained in their marriage, they did find that two-thirds of unhappy marriages had become happier five years later. They attributed a strong desire to stay married, a commitment to solving problems and a commitment to find personal happiness despite a mediocre marriage were strong predictors of "happy" marriages.

Donna Davis, senior producer, Family Album Radio, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida.

Resilience in Stepfamilies

As we watch the trends in marriage and divorce in the U.S., we know that for some time now the divorce rate has hovered right around 50 percent. For many families, divorce is followed by remarriage.

In an effort to identify the strengths and weaknesses in remarried families and how they might best succeed, research recently published in the American Journal of Family Therapy studied 38 remarried families with children to determine what made some more resilient than others.

The study found that there were several important resilience factors in these remarried families. What mattered most was that stepfamilies had a love and respectful bond, communicated in caring and loving ways, could manage stressful situations, and spent more time together.

These successful families also have “a strong marriage relationship” as well as strong social supports from friends and family. “Spirituality and religion” also helped a family’s resilience by giving them a feeling that there was “meaning and purpose beyond crisis situations.”

These researchers conclude that remarriages are more successful when families see themselves as “challenged by adversity” rather than what some view as damaged because their previous marriages had failed. They suggest that pre-marital and family enrichment programs can help build the skills that will help these families overcome adversity and increase their chance of success.

Adult Children of High-Conflict Marriages

Most of us have probably heard someone declare that they had remained in their marriage "for the sake of the kids." Research suggests, however, that this logic may not hold up. In the long run, children whose parents are in high-conflict marriages may not be any better off than children whose parents divorce.

While divorce has been shown to create significant negative outcomes for many children over the course of their lives, new research shows that conflict in marriage can have lasting effects into adulthood as well.

Researchers from Penn State University compared adult children of low-conflict and high-conflict intact marriages and adult children of divorce. They found that adult children of high-conflict marriages had poorer relations with parents, experienced lower self-esteem, and reported less happiness or satisfaction in key life areas than those adult children from low-conflict marriage or divorce.

Even as adults, the children from high-conflict marriages felt caught between their parents—forced to choose sides in a hostile environment. Both sons and daughters of high-conflict marriages had weaker ties with their parents as a result of their parents' conflict.

Surprisingly, adult children of divorce felt less "caught in the middle" than those who had chronically conflicted parents who did not divorce. The researchers conclude that "unlike children of divorce, children with parents in conflicted marriages (who do not divorce) may be unable to escape from their parents' marital problems – even into adulthood".

Donna Davis, senior producer, Family Album Radio, Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida.

Holiday Gifts when Parents are Divorced

How can mothers and fathers who parent apart approach holiday giving?


The University of Minnesota Extension suggests that, when possible, both parents should communicate with each other about their child's wants and needs. Wants are those things she says she can't live without, but you know aren't necessary, such as a new video game. Needs on the other hand, are things that are necessary to have - a new jacket, underwear, clothes that fit and a host of other items that chip away at the family budget.

Once the wants and needs are determined, the parents can decide who will purchase which items from both lists. Balancing wants and needs is also much easier on each parent's budget - and children will benefit from having some of the items they have on their wish list and others they will use every day. Sometimes a child's needs are different at each household. In this case, the child may want to make a list for each parent of what they wish for and the parents may decide individually what to give.

Parents who parent apart can and do encounter pitfalls. Trying to be the parent who spends the most money on your children's gifts can turn giving into a contest where each parent tries to out-do the other with lavish and not very useful gifts. This is no gift for your child - giving your child too much, too soon, that doesn't meet their real needs, is a set up for overindulgence. You won’t win this war!

Criticizing the other parent's gift challenges your child's sense of loyalty to the other parent. When a child can't enjoy a gift because of your hostility, you are undermining your child's relationship with both of you. Be supportive, even if you don't share their excitement.

Sometimes gifts are specific to a particular household, and should stay there. However this isn't always the case. Remember, the gift is your child’s and they should be able to enjoy it at both homes. This is particularly true when the gift helps comfort your child.

It’s not always easy communicating with your child’s other parent, but it’s certainly worth the effort!

Handling Divorce Emotionally

Children can become frightened and feel helpless if their security is threatened. They depend on their parents to be emotionally stable. As while it can be scary and sad for parents to divorce, it is extra scary for children to see their parents emotionally out of control.

How parents handle a divorce will dramatically affect how their children will react and, in turn, adjust to the divorce. Children become what they experience and they reflect the behavior of their parents.

If parents handle their divorce maturely and encourage the child’s involvement with the other parent, children can grow up with low levels of conflict. How well parents handle their emotions when around their children, and how capable they are of relating to each other, determines how their children will manage the transition to a new family dynamic.

If you know a couple with minor children who are divorcing, give them this link for information on the Divorce class that is required for a divorce involving minor children in the State of Florida: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/DivorceClasses.html

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

All children feel a strong sense of loss when parents separate or divorce. It is not unusual for children of any age to rebel, misbehave, or become withdrawn. They cannot understand all the issues involved in a divorce, and may feel confused, frightened and worried.

If you are going through a divorce, be aware of your child’s losses and offer them the support they need. Divorce is a transition that usually last one or two years - before, during and after the divorce.

Whether you are the residential or non residential parent, start by reassuring your children that you love them and that they are not to blame for the divorce. Encourage them to share their questions and any feelings they may have about the divorce, listen and be patient. Sometimes it may be difficult to focus on your children as you go through your own transition, but parenting in a loving, attentive way is one of the most important things you can do.

In addition, provide a safe, warm and loving environment in the homes of both parents, if possible. Have children keep clothing and personal items in both places so they feel a sense of belonging and don’t need to pack a suitcase or backpack every time they transfer from one home to another. Find some books at the library that talk about divorce appropriate for your child’s level of understanding and read them together.

Don’t depend on your children for emotional support. Instead, seek out help from friends, family or a professional counselor. Children are counting on their parents to care for themselves as well as they care for their children.

Divorce and Children

In the past several decades, family researchers have given a great deal of attention to how divorce affects children. Although there is agreement that divorce can have many negative impacts on children, researchers have also identified qualities of what some call a “good” divorce.

Results from a recent study conducted by Elizabeth Marquardt, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values, and Norval Glenn, a sociologist at the University of Texas-Austin, have generated a great deal of media interest – and controversy. Marquardt, argues that children of divorce have to navigate the beliefs and values of two very different households after divorce, and this creates inner conflict and fundamentally restructures their childhood.

Through surveys of 1500 18-35 year olds, the researchers found that even when children experienced what might be considered a "good" divorce, one where parents cooperate in child rearing matters after divorce, they often do worse than children of unhappy low-conflict marriages. I'm a bit skeptical of this. I would think that it's better to grow up in a happy household, than an unhappy one - even a low-conflict one. But I guess it depends on the individuals involved.

In contrast, other research conducted by sociology professor Constance Ahrons at the University of Southern California, found that as young adults, children of divorce grew up to be “stronger and wiser,” and that the majority believed that their parent’s divorce had positive outcomes for their parents AND for themselves.

Many scholars agree that the best thing for children is a happy household - or households. We do know that when two parents learn to co-parent, which means working together as a team to raise their children, the benefits are long lasting for everyone.

I now offer the "Parents, Children and Divorce" parenting class, required by the State of Florida when minor children are involved. This class offers ideas for co-parenting and helping your child through the divorce. For information and to register, pleae visit my webpage: http://hillsboroughfcs.ifas.ufl.edu/DivorceClasses.html


Sources
Ahrons, Constance R., Social Work; Nov80, Vol. 25 Issue 6, p437-441, 5p 1980
Amato, Paul R., Family Relations; Oct2003, Vol. 52 Issue 4, p332-339, 8p, 5 graphs

Amato, Paul R., “The Consequences of Divorce for Adults and Children,” from “Families in Transition” 12th Edition (2003). Person Education, Inc., Boston, MA
Ahrons, Constance, (2004)

We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., New York, NY