From what do children learn most?

From where or what do children learn most? Would you say from television, adult role models or from other children they play with?

Although children do pick up information from other children and from television, adult role models are actually the strongest influence. Children really do watch adults for all sorts of things. This can be good news if the adults model appropriate behavior. However, if there are no positive role models available or the role models are watching excessive TV, then television will be the next most powerful influence. That’s a bit disturbing, yes?

Studies are finding that “screen time” (including television, video games, computers, etc) may contribute to Attention Deficit Disorder. As parents, we should think twice before investing in video games and disallow games with violence and profanity. Preview games before allowing children to use them. The mother parent of several young children recently told me that her kids spent a lot of time playing video games and that one day she actually took some time to watch one game. The violence of it made her decide to remove that game from their home selection. I suggested she also limit her children’s time on the games she does approve.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggest limiting all media use to no more than two hours per day, and none at all for children under the age of two. Parents should watching television with children instead of creating a cheap baby-sitting of the TV. Remove television sets and computers from children’s bedroom and monitor all media exposure, including movies.

As a parent, you can re-evaluate your practices. Don’t let screen time get out of control. Media addiction is a real and growing phenomena!

Dealing with Deployment of Family Member

Dealing with family separation as a parent deploys is tough on the family. The first stage in a separation occurs when the family receives notice of the pending departure. Emotions may range from feelings of loss to denial, such as asking “Do you really have to go?”

The person leaving will begin to get their affairs in order for their departure. Everyone affected over the pending separation feels stress. Children may sense the stress and act out, have tantrums or regress to more child-like or infant-like behaviors, such as sucking a bottle or pacifier or toileting accidents. As a family, how do you prepare emotionally? Here are some ideas:

• Have a family meeting to talk about the up-coming separation. Parents should be consistent with each other so children understand that normal expectations still apply.

• Discuss how the family will continue to communicate and be in tough with one another during the separation time.

When the individual actually leaves, there will be mixed emotions ranging from anger to relief that the anticipation is over. Family members may feel a sense of being overwhelmed, numb, sad or alone. It is important to:

• Continue weekend or bedtime routines. Continue family traditions on holidays, birthdays, etc.

• Use visuals like a calendar or a timeline to help children understand when communication will occur or when reunification will happen. However, be careful about making promises that you have no control over.

• Develop a support system of friends, family and others who are experiencing the same transitions.

• Ask for help when you need it. Your family, friends and neighbors will probably be very happy to lend a helping hand when the family needs it.

Holiday Gifts when Parents are Divorced

How can mothers and fathers who parent apart approach holiday giving?


The University of Minnesota Extension suggests that, when possible, both parents should communicate with each other about their child's wants and needs. Wants are those things she says she can't live without, but you know aren't necessary, such as a new video game. Needs on the other hand, are things that are necessary to have - a new jacket, underwear, clothes that fit and a host of other items that chip away at the family budget.

Once the wants and needs are determined, the parents can decide who will purchase which items from both lists. Balancing wants and needs is also much easier on each parent's budget - and children will benefit from having some of the items they have on their wish list and others they will use every day. Sometimes a child's needs are different at each household. In this case, the child may want to make a list for each parent of what they wish for and the parents may decide individually what to give.

Parents who parent apart can and do encounter pitfalls. Trying to be the parent who spends the most money on your children's gifts can turn giving into a contest where each parent tries to out-do the other with lavish and not very useful gifts. This is no gift for your child - giving your child too much, too soon, that doesn't meet their real needs, is a set up for overindulgence. You won’t win this war!

Criticizing the other parent's gift challenges your child's sense of loyalty to the other parent. When a child can't enjoy a gift because of your hostility, you are undermining your child's relationship with both of you. Be supportive, even if you don't share their excitement.

Sometimes gifts are specific to a particular household, and should stay there. However this isn't always the case. Remember, the gift is your child’s and they should be able to enjoy it at both homes. This is particularly true when the gift helps comfort your child.

It’s not always easy communicating with your child’s other parent, but it’s certainly worth the effort!

Holiday gifts for kids don't require big spending

Purdue University Extension offers parents alternatives to over-spending on their children this year with four ways to give inexpensive gifts


• purchase less expensive toys

• shop for used items

• make your own toys

• give certificates to do something.

When shopping for inexpensive or used toys, you still have to watch out for safety and quality. It's not a bargain if it breaks right away. Look for the classic toys - blocks, sturdy dolls or sturdy stuffed animals. The best toys don't do a lot by themselves. They stimulate a child's creativity and imagination. Make sure the toy was originally safe and still is. Such items, which can often be found in stores that sell used toys or used children's clothing, should not have chipped paint or broken edges.

Homemade toys have several benefits. The great thing about homemade toys is they are inexpensive and flexible. Sometimes you can make them with the child, and you can often remake them into another type of toy. An example of a homemade gift is a puzzle that can be made by taking a piece of paperboard, like the back of a cereal box, and cutting it into several pieces.

Another idea is to create a play prop box. You take a box and fill it with items that are all related to a kind of role playing. You could have a hair salon prop box with hair rollers, combs, brushes and a hair dryer that doesn't work. Or you could make a store prop box with empty food containers, play money, bags and baskets. Often they are things you could find around the house anyway, but gathering them in one place stimulates play.

Certificates for activities can be anything from a ticket to do the child's chores around the house for a day, a date with mom or dad, tickets to play games, or a music night. Kids can turn in a ticket at bedtime or use the ticket to say up all night - they have to give a day's notice to make sure parents don't have anything else they need to do instead.

You can still have a special time at the holidays during hard economic times. You can talk with kids about financial problems, but don't overwhelm them with the concern. Holidays are all about hope, and it can be a time for the whole family to look toward a better future.

Self-centered Children

No parent has to be reminded that young children are self-centered. Very self-centered! Toddlers and preschoolers (and many early elementary-age children) cannot yet understand how others feel. In reality, how other people feel is not important to them. The fact that they think only of themselves is a developmental behavior and it’s completely normal and appropriate.

Young children are still in the process of learning about self-concept and grasping what it means to be an individual “self” that differentiates them from the rest of the people in the world around them. They want everything they see, they have a difficult time sharing without being told to share, and they have a hard time controlling their emotions when things don’t go their way.

Until about the age of 6 or 7, most children continue to be self-centered. However, they can learn about other people’s feelings with practice. Parents can help by talking about feelings – whether good or bad. “When you hit your brother, it hurts him and makes him feel sad. Do not hit your brother.” Or “I like the way you picked up your toys. That makes me happy.”

Talk about feelings, but don’t punish them for their feelings. Be consistent in how you react to their feelings and be very consistent in how you discipline them for their behavior.

Helping Children Learn About Expectations

There are important jobs a parent must do to help a children learn what is expected and set limits to guide their behavior. This is especially important as children spend more time out of the home with their friends and youth groups. These things are a part of the job:

Parental monitoring – knowing where your child is and who he or she is spending time with. Set a reasonable curfew time or check-in time.

Be there for your child - physically and emotionally. Parents who are distant, uninvolved and inconsistent confuse the child and make him or her feel like they are wandering without a connection. Children need a family connection to endure the tough times.

Expectations and family rules should be clear. Explain the rules and consequences well. Ask yourself what limits are important and then talk to children during calm times to be sure they are clear to your children.

Remember to include plenty of talks about substance abuse, too. Set rules and expectations for “absolutely no” alcohol and drug use.

Children need to have a close bond or attachment with at least one person. Emotional support from a trusted adult should always be available. When children have a sense of connectedness, they are more likely to make wise decisions about their behavior.

Thanksgiving Day

By Grace Cornell Tall


Clasp the hands,
Bow the head,
Ask the Lord
To Bless the bread.


Pull the chair
Up to the table,
Eat no more
Than you are able.


Keep your elbows
Off the mats;
Save the leavings
For the cats.


(Ruff, who goes
From chair to chair,
Is getting much more
Than his share!)


Pass the dishes,
Help your mother,
Be sweet and good
To one another.

Then for this day,
Serene, unprankful,
We, your parents,
Will be thankful.